First Comes Love

“Girl and boy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes loves. Then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” Little girls ran around the fields of my elementary school chanting the rhyme in high pitches.

Even from childhood, we are groomed into the role of wife and mother. Without realizing it, we are led down a path that looks the same for us all. For some women this is the picture of a perfect life, but when I close my eyes and imagine myself in this role, it’s fucking frightening.

I spent a long time living my life based on what ifs. What if I never meet someone? What if I don’t or can’t have a kid? The question that inspired me to change my life, however, was the most important. What if I don’t want any of this?So…sometime between my junior year of college and post-graduation, I made up my mind on how I was going to approach love, life, and all the rest. My solution? Fuck it. If I find someone, great. If I don’t, that can still be great too. If I get pregnant one day, I’ll probably cry and panic at first, but I’ll love my kid more than anything in the world. I decided that I don’t need a single person to make or break my happiness, and it might have been the single greatest epiphany I have ever had in my life.

Love, marriage, babies: I once thought I wanted that life, but some time away showed me that it was simply the only life I knew. However, it was not the only option. I don’t want to own a house and host play dates. I want to pack bags and leave and never come back. I want to run towards exotic parts of the world, towards life changing experiences, towards amazing people, wild and blissfully lost, just like me.